Me, Frankie and Andy

I have this image of myself as a tomboy who wears high collared blue coats with high pockets and high wasted jeans with the cuffs pulled up to show the black working boots with yellow laces. I have a short “Beatles Haircut” and the checkered blouses show from inside my coat. I walk the walk and talk the talk. I’m not a girl and I’m not a boy. I walk with my head high and a cigarette between my lips and behind me there is a group of identically dressed young men. Some of them were polished shoes instead of working boots. Some have longer coats than others, some wear black gloves, some wear glasses, but in total, we all want the same thing. We like fooling around, gambling, smoking, listening to music, driving, swearing, getting into fights and stealing. We are like this big gang where nobody cares about me being a girl. Nobody treats me differently, both in a bad or in a good way. I’m a part of them and it doesn’t matter what my gender is. I don’t really care too. Even our enemy gangs don’t care. nobody even raises the subject.

I’m finally where I want to be. In a place, with people, where nobody talks about makeup and gender equality, where everyone is equal, where love is what it is and there are no rules. There is no marriage and there are no great love stories. Here are only people who do what they do. Friends love each other and are ready to stand up for each other, to stand up for their views and feelings. Nobody judges you. The only problem is the money, gambling and enemy gangs. Despite it all being a problem, we can’t do without it. We love it and we love fighting.

I am kind of crazy, really, as this character. Her name is either Frankie or Andy. But Andy was different, she was before I cut my hair short. No it’s Frankie. The alter ego Frankie.

Frankie is everything I want to be. Though it’s not something a normal person to wish for. Frankie is not a hot long-haired babe, she’s not a beautiful short-haired mystery-girl, she’s not a smart successful nerd, she’s not an artsy colorful painter. Frankie is cool, short-tempered and relaxed at the same time. She doesn’t get worried easily, but she gets angry easily. She hates pretentious people, pedantic people, hypocrite people, people who spent most of their time pampering themselves to look good. Frankie hangs out with a bunch of guys who are like a gang. The Gang hangs out at pubs and basements. For them, hanging out is: gambling, betting, smoking, smoking weed, getting into small fights, stealing stuff from stores, swearing and randomly shouting out to people. They are not concerned about relationships and education. They go to University or work as normal people, they just don’t attract attention and just do what they like to do. They don’t have relationships, but those who do, make sure it doesn’t get in the way of The Gang. Frankie gets the same treatment as every guy in the Gang.

It’s awesome to be like that. I wish I was like that. I like Frankie more that Andy, though Andy has more chances of getting a good fuck than Frankie. Frankie is a tomboy. Andy is too, but she has middle-cut hair with bands, long lashes, a straight nose. She is softer and more quiet and shy. Andy IS strong, but not as strong as Frankie. Though I think Andy feels more responsible for her actions and is more careful than Frankie.  The thing is, Andy is kinda like me, and Frankie is kinda like me. Frankie looks more like me that Andy. I created Andy as a more beautiful version of myself, while Frankie is simply a thinner version of myself. (not like I was fat, but!) Frankie is like me in not caring, swearing, acting like a boy. But unlike me, she is like that and she doesn’t care. She doesn’t feel like being like that is wrong. I guess she’s like that because she has found people who accept her, while nobody accepts me in real life as a Frankie. Andy is like me because of her soft and forgiving nature. Though she too does get angry like me, she doesn’t show it. While Frankie is all about showing how angry she is.

To say the truth, I’m confused by all this. Frankie, Andy. These two really do feel like me. I love Frankie more since she’s new, but Andy is still here. I created her through many many stories and after creating all this stories, I realized she was in all of them, playing different people, but in whole, she was always the same person. The imitation of the same person over and over again. She fit into every story, so I fit her in. But now I’m tired of her, and I wanted change, so here came Frankie, after years of waiting and working on myself. Frankie is a more precise image of me, I guess. People love Frankie more, while Andy was a huge thing in the matter of being loved by males. Frankie is loved too, but for being the way she used to be. Old Frankie was like Andy.

Now I get it. Frankie didn’t just come out of nowhere. Frankie is the continuation of Andy. I always ended Andy’s stories when Andy got cooler and stronger. Now we have Frankie – The Andy that grew up and said “fuck it” and started doing things her way.

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Summer Break and Sex and the City

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Summer Holidays are supposed to be the best time of the year (except for Christmas break), but not for me. Every year I hope “this summer will be different!”, but it’s always the same: staying at home all day drawing and watching movies, eating ice-cream with girlfriends, going to the country house with only your girlfriends and sitting in the sun all day, maybe go to the beach to Batumi with my family and a few friends. I always wanted at least one summer to be like it is in the movies: being outside all day, going to different places with different people, meeting new people and having summer romances at the beach. But none of this ever happens. So I stopped dreaming for the perfect summer. I stopped thinking about what to do on my birthday when I realized that it was never going to happen. It’s in August, the time when the town is empty and everybody is on a vacation somewhere interesting and none of them have any interest in coming to my country house at the lake because all we do on my birthday is drink coffee and eat cookies and gossip. I have never even had anyone say a toast on my birthday. The presents were always the same: money from my family members, promises of an ipod or a camera from my parents (only promises), some clothes from my sister (only if she is working in summer), and I got Bob Dylan’s illustrated book from my girlfriends last year. They had never given me a present before, because they were never there on my birthday.

This year, when I don’t want to see anyone on my birthday and just sit home and get my birthday money, everyone started begging for me to celebrate my B-day. This is the irony of life. You stop waiting for something to happen – and it happens! The only thing I want on my birthday this year is for that special someone to give me something special, or at least tell me something special. But it won’t happen, because I’m actually waiting for it to happen.

One thing I learnt and I want everyone to learn – never have high hopes for anything, so you don’t get disappointed. I know that feeling you get when someone tell you your favorite band is coming to town, or your crush has a crush on you, or your parents tell you that they will buy you a camera. You want to scream and shout and jump around, but then you feel stupid when all of this turns out to be a lie. So never be happy about anything until you are sure it has happened.

Let’s get back to summer vacations. How I’m spending my summer? Watching sex and the city – the best show ever made. My sister is away for a few days so I’m all alone and my introversion has gone even deeper. Some of my friends are in town, but I keep telling them I’m not, because I got so used to sitting in my room, watching movies and shows and not caring about how I look, that when I actually go outside, I will start feeling like an alien.

Now, about Sex and the City. It’s not only good for girls, but guys as well. None of the guys I know like this show. They think it’s stupid, dumb and slutty at times. What they don’t understand is that it’s the most realistic TV series to ever air. It shows what women think about men, relationships, other women, sex and so on. It shows how women have fun. It tell us about sex from a woman’s perspective. Men should understand that they are not the only ones interested in sex – women also have the need. Women also talk to their girlfriends about their partners and one-night stands. That doesn’t make us slutty. Men and women are equal is the matters of sex and the need for sex. A woman can have sex everyday, just like a man. She can have sex with a guy she barely knows and actually enjoy it. Women can actually have fun without men.

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The best thing about SATC is that we can relate to every character and relationship. Whenever I see 4 girls walking together, I start assuming that they have already figured out which one of them is Carrie, Samantha, Miranda or Charlotte. Me and my friends have done that a hundred times, while there were for of us. Now there is 5. I was always Samantha. Not because of what I did, but because of what I said. Despite the fact that the 4 of us where or virgins back then and I had never been with a guy in any way, I sounded the most experienced of all. Because I have watched porn, masturbated, I know that sex is not just “sticking it in”, there is a lot more going on. My girlfriends were totally unaware of all that.

But now, I feel like Carrie. We have totally switched roles. The one who used to be Carrie has found her “Mr. Big” and is in  a happy relationship with him. The type of relationship were saying “I love you” isn’t a big deal anymore. I guess we all feel like Carrie when we are in search for a perfect partner, but always have that one Mr. Big on our minds. Mr. Big is the person who makes you feel weak and every time you see him, you go dumb and suddenly your desire for anything sexual increases. Big is the person you can’t resist, even if you have a special someone in your life, Big will always come and mess up your life and feelings and then disappear again.

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Sex and the City is a lot smarter than people imagine. They think it’s just women talking about sex and acting like whores, but there is a lot more to the show. You have to watch it before you hate it. It will make you cry, it will make you laugh, it will make you want to call your crush, it will make you want to spend more time with you girlfriends. I have watched the show a hundred times, I have all the episodes on my laptop, and I still watch it everyday. I never get tired.

P.S “the lunch with girls” is the best thing on the show. Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte sitting in the cafe, drinking coffee and talking about the sex they had the night before makes you want to do the exact same thing with your girls.

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