The other “Me”

The more I hang around the Academy of Art and it’s huge variety of artistic people, the more I realize that maybe this is not my space. Or at least not in this country. I’m not social, I don’t have pink hair or tattoos, or piercings. I don’t have anything in my looks that says that I’m an artist. But I’d rather get home early for the Academy than spend most of the time there, having fun, chatting and drinking and smoking god knows what. Not because I’m shy or unsocial, I’m just bored to death by such things. I’d rather draw at home than sit there and drink and talk about useless shit. But then again, if I don’t do that, it makes me miss out on a lot of stuff. 

I realized that in art, being social and knowing people is a lot more important than actually being a good artist yourself. I don;t like this fact, but that’s just how it is. And it makes me scared that I will never be able to succeed. It makes me very angry that I have spent most of my time sitting at home and doing what I have to do and enjoying it and working on my fantasy and drawing technique, while my friends who cant even draw a human figure are already running around on movie sets and meeting directors and artists.

Art is not my space. I love drawing, I love imagining, I love looking at it, I love feeling it, all kinds of art. I love making it, but it’s just not me. I am supposed to be an artist, but I’m not. Than what am I? An amateur? But how could I still be an amateur when I have spent so much time on my artistic self, I have lost so many things because of it. I don’t know about other artists, but I can never have both a social life and an artistic one. I have tried. There were times when I had excessive daydreaming, that’s when I drew the most, but at that time, I was very shy and socially awkward and wanted to get rid of this daydreaming which was already turning into a psychological condition. Then, I got rid of it. I had the biggest dream of studying at the Academy, and as I was about to enter, I lost my daydreaming. I was happy. I was social, I had friends, people liked me. I hung out in cafes, bars, got drunk, smokes, flirted and so on. Until I realized that I miss the old me. The one who actually felt like herself. The one who had tons of ideas come to her head without even wanting them to. Who didn’t have enough space in her mind to think about anything except artistry. 

I have mood swings from time to time. For example now, I have spent almost two weeks rarely getting out of the house and coming from University as early as I can. I might not be drawing, but at least I’m thinking, I have ideas in my head. My artistic me is happy, but the other me is depressed, because I can have only one thing out of this two, while others can have both and it’s killing me that you have to be annoying and super interactive !!

Boredom Level 10000000…..

Something is happening to my Generation of 1994.  You know the The Who song, which is about finding your place in society, finding who you are and “getting around”, trying to do what you want without being a total outcast? While generations and generations of teens on the verge of adulthood have always tried to do exactly the same, my generation is totally deprived of these desires. These kids are on the verge of degradation. Despite the fact that my sister’s generation is only 2 years older, they totally different from us. They are more hardworking and friendly, they are more mature and sophisticated.

More and more kids my age are becoming a total disappointment to me, and I couldn’t understand why. I thought the fault was in me, that I thought wrong. That I was a boring, immature person. I don’t know if the definition of maturity has changed, or people have become dumb. People my age, students, now define maturity as smoking weed, going out at night, having sex, drinking and wearing makeup with high heels. Oh, and don’t forget about flirting with the other sex. That is a must! If this is society’s new meaning of “mature”, than I’d rather be a dumb, immature child my whole life. I don’t know how it is elsewhere, but this is how things are in Georgia.

Now, if the definition of maturity hasn’t changed, it means that my generation is totally hopeless. There is no real friendship. Guys constantly fight each other and compare their cars and money and iphones and girlfriends. Girls have 2 or 5 favourite girlfriends, like in Sex and the City, but they always talk stuff behind each other’s backs, so it’s not really SATC script, is it? I try to make it rasonable, these who friendship thing, or rather, the absence of one, but I just can’t. Most of my friends are hostile towards their friends because of envy over marriage, or boyfriends, or boyfriend’s material possessions. We are a very material-driven generation. The iphone is the definition of elite, a boyfriend with a car and a job is a good boyfriends, despite the relationship you have with him. Everything has become about showing off to others. You go to a party, instead of dancing, you take tons of selfies with friends, or solo, and check in at a club, while in reality, you didn’t have fun. Fun has become taking pictures. Fun has become talking about others. Fun doesn’t exist. People don’t have fun for fun, they have fun for showing off. Fuck me!

 The reasons I differ myself from my generation are obvious. For example, My older friend was shocked to see my girlfriends. He asked why I was still hanging out with them. He was shocked at how immature and stupid and childish they are, despite their boobs, and makeup, and expensive clothing. Another moment is that I rarely talk with them about social things. Like politics, or family problems, or religion and all that. I can’t talk about stuff like that. If I do, there are two types of people that respond:

1. The typical Georgian type that refuses do accept anything knew and not traditional, so talking to them about religion is useless.

2. The type that listens and listens and listens and when you stop talking, they change the subject. They don’t quarrel with you. They don’t even want to think about something that need brains.

So what can I do? I can’t talk to My Generation of material kids. They are boring, they don’t have any romanticism in them, they refuse to quarrel, they refuse to change the way they are. We are like the total opposite of The Baby Boom Generation, we are the (I have to make a very stupid and lame joke here, don’t blame me, I just liked the wordplay) The Baby Doom Generation.

Oh god, why?! Sex!

Excuse me for my choice of words, but there is no other word except for “obsessing” and “stalking” I could think of. 

What do we girls do when we have nothing to do? We stalk boys. I thought this activity was for teens only, but now that I think about it, more post-teen girls do it than teens. When I was a teen, I though liking boys was pathetic and stupid and way too girly, so I never ever had an obsession with a guy. Well, I never liked a guy when I was a teen! Except for musicians and actors. Now, when I have grown out of the age of low self-esteem and wannabee-ing all I can think about is men! 

After discovering the pleasures of making out and the likes of it, every boy I like is a potential sexual partner, and I don’t know if it’s good or not. I loved the me that wasn’t obsessing over boys, and I love the me that is confident in herself, but I don’t like being so obsessed with the other sex. 

Most of the guys I get obsessed with I the guys I don’t know, but have the potential to get to know them. I try to get as much information as I can about them and the funny thing is – I don’t want to date them or be their girlfriend, I just want to hang out with them and flirt. 

This whole thing is very confusing. Men and Women. It really is complicated, no matter how much we try to make it simple. I always denied the sexual part of myself, but that was before one guy totally opened my eyes to sexual desire and pleasure, and since then, I haven’t been able to close them! I thought it was cool and feministic that I didn’t give a fuck about losing my virginity. I never thought of losing it as a big deal, but I always thought that being 19 and not having any relationships with boys, of any kind, was kind of cool. I knew tons of girls who were over 20 and were still virgins and they were okay with that! But this past year, the more I started analyzing this girls, the more I realized that it was not totally okay. They can’t get a date, the only relationship they have with men is friendly, they live with their parents and spend most of their time talking to their friends about their friends’ boyfriends. They know something is wrong, but don’t want to admit that it’s the dating part. It’s the part of sex. They are not yet sexually awakened, and by sexually awakened, I don’t mean they aren’t virgins. I mean masturbating, and watching porn, and knowing that six isn’t just “in and out”. 

I wish I didn’t think about sex so much, but I can’t. 

Boring Students VS Interesting Students

In Tbilisi, every state University has its “student type”. I know almost every one of those types. There are many kinds and sub-kinds and so on, but right now, I wanna focus on one thing: the boring students.

For example, Tbilisi State University is the largest one in the country and has a huge diversity of different types of people. The cool ones, the sporty ones, the girly ones, the idiots, the rich kids, the poor kids, the village kids, the foreigners and so on. But the people there are in no way boring. They have fun in their own ways.

The students of Ilia State University are downright losers. They are the left overs of the TSU.

The boring ones are the students of the Tbilisi State Medical University. They are the ones who refuse to “grow up” and have fun in the courtyard by playing childish games like the foot stomping one. They buy one bar of chocolate for 6 people and share it between the lectures. They take pictures of the skulls and bones in the halls of the University (it’s like taking a picture of a drawing in the academy of arts). They make lame jokes that only they understand. Jokes about chemical reactions and biological stuff. They try to seem more intelligent, since they are future doctors after all, but they just look lame. Just because they know the names of all the organs in the human body, doesn’t mean they are more intelligent than any other student in the Academy.

What bothers me, is that we “artsy” people who study in the Academy have the reputation of dumb, uneducated people. While some of us are a lot smarter that the future medics or sociologists. Why does everyone joke at the stereotype of artists being dumb, but nobody jokes at the stereotypes of medic being smart? Everyone know that Art Academy students aren’t dumb, but the stereotype of artists being stupid plays a bigger role. It’s the same with other professions. Everyone knows that not all Medical students are smart, but the stereotype of them being smart plays a bigger role, but still, nobody jokes about them. There is no joke of medics seeming  intelligent and in reality, being dumb.

I hate that. The Academy of Arts may be a place where there are a lot of posers, but at least the people there are not boring. Even the posers don’t bother that much, since they are interesting to analyze and look into. People in the Academy don’t try to look like the mass. I admit, there are a lot of people with forced “originality” and “avant-gardeness” but still, there are many who are really that way. Just because I’m an artist doesn’t mean I’m not intelligent. On the contrary, you can’t be a good artist and have a creative mind if you are not intelligent.

 

 

Back into Teens

Analyzing people and their behaviour has become one of my favorite things to do, and it has taught me a lot. It kind of sucks to analyze everything others do, everything that concerns you, because you start seeing all the tiny cracks and they slowly become bigger and bigger and they end up being the only thing you see when you look at a person.

Another thing I realized is that there comes a time, when you are about to step into the adult world, step into the 20s, when you start having nostalgia. When people around you start changing, and you think you are the only one who has stayed the same. I have analyzed this over and over again, and yes, I have gone through changes, but the changes everyone goes through during the end of the teenage years. When you are a teen, everything and everyone is annoying and irritating and you just want to run away from home and you are angry at the world. I didn’t have this teenage angst thing. My teenage angst started now, at 19 years old. The thing is, some people grow up when they step into 20s, and some people simply change from bad to worse, thinking that this is the very essence of growing up. Like my friends.

Ah… My friends. I have had been through so many feuds and wars and quarrels and conversations and negotiations with them. But nothing ever works out. Sometimes, I am in love with those 4 girls, but most of the time I just hate them. Especially lately, when they have been through this extremes make overs. One has become a total bimbo, the other has become a sentimental bitch ever since getting a boyfriend, one got married and is pregnant and I see her only once a month, and one came back from another country. I was never really huge friends with her, but she’s okay. She’s okay with being who she is, being laughed at for wearing hills at trips to the countryside and being totally dumb.

I could talk about them forever. How they make me feel like a terrible person, how they. instead of boosting my self-confidence, actually lower it. They think that growing up is wearing makeup, wearing hills, going out to clubs, getting a boyfriend, flirting. I hate flirting, I hate makeup, I hate skirts, and I hate clubs. I love ambient, trip-hop, rock and post-rock, I love playing cards while listening to music, smoking, drinking some vodka with friends. I love talking and making jokes when with friends, not gossiping and talking about guys and other people and their relationships. I’m sure that my friends are even surprised that a guy could like me. I have short hair, I swear sometimes, I make dirty jokes… It doesn’t fit their image. It doesn’t fit my friend’s boyfriend, who think that because her girlfriend is a happy-go-lucky nice girl, every girl should be like her.

Well, I shouldn’t go too far now. What makes me pissed is that all these years, ever since I have known them, I have been trying to find myself. Yeah, find myself, like they do in films. I have a hard time doing that. Having friends in 8th grade was a huge achievement for me. I was shy, my confidence was below zero, I hated myself, I was ashamed of my family, of what I wore, what I listened to. I was ashamed of the fact that I loved animes. The funny thing is, that people who laughed at me, now listen to the music I listened to back then, they watch japanese cartoons. In 8th grade, I had friends who invited me to their homes. I thought they were above. I had an extreme inferiority complex. Those girls were skinny, tall, beautiful (though now that I look at it, we were all the same), they knew were they stood, (at least I thought so, now I realize that they were posers, like every teenager was back then). I thought I was a total shit. No guy would ever like me. Well, it was hell. Till 12th grade. When I realized this couldn’t go on. My friends would hang out without me, they would gossip about me. So I said, fuck it! I’m gonna be myself. I’m gonna be what I like to be. I don’t know how it happened, but the anger worked. I would stand up to my mom when she wouldn’t let me out, I would tell my friends if I was angry at them and when they were being assholes, I would tell them they were being assholes.

But, of course, nobody liked the person I had become – me. Straightforward, free of other people’s thoughts, funny and carefree. People started disliking the fact that I have a voice, I can say no, I can be angry and not talk to them for days. They started disliking the fact that I have more freedom of thought then them, that I know what I’m good at and can talk about it freely. They don’t like it. I’m not shy at all now, I know where I stand in society, I know who is better or worse then me and my friends hate that. They want to be back to shy kid I was. Despite the fact that I’m the one who always makes plans, who always says “let’s go out”, who says jokes and makes them laugh, they still don’t respect me as much as they should. I’m like a clown. When I have feelings, they hate it. They think if they shoot me right into the heart, I won’t feel it. Just because I always hated showing too much emotions. It’s not necessary. Sometimes I might feel bad, but why should I make others feel bad about it? Why should I complain, especially if I know that nobody can help me and I can be my own saviour?

This sucks. People have totally lost it around me. Everybody wants to be something. Every girl around me wants a boy’s attention, they want photos on facebook, they want to meet a lot of people. Nobody wants the good old friendship anymore. That’s why nostalgia kicks in at this moment. Sometimes I want to cry because of extreme nostalgia. I miss the old times so bad. But come to think of it, what old times? The times when I was a nobody? When I had no voice? Hell no. I don’t miss the old times. I just wish things had gone differently so I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit now. None of the friends I have feel like actual friends. Not because “nobody understands me” or something, but because every friend I have has totally different views and needs from me. It’s hard you know, having friends. It’s hard to keep them and it’s hard to know who is a friend and who is not.

 

Sometimes you think that nothing is possible and no matter what you do, nothing good will come out of it Sometimes, you have days when you think that everything is possible and you feel like the happiest person in the world. These moments mostly last for a very short time, not enough to actually start doing something. You know, when you get the inspiration you have been waiting for and want to do something to it, but when start getting ready, inspiration fades and you end up with nothing. What should you do in such moments?

You have to find something that always inspires you. It may be a song, or a painting, or an artist, or a person or an animal, a movie, a video, a place and so on. There are two types of inspiration:

The first kind happens most of the time. It’s when you are getting inspired for ideas, but don’t actually do anything to express them. You ave tons of thoughts running around your brain, but you body doesn’t want to produce anything from those thoughts. I am like that most of the time. When I’m surfing the net for artists and movies and stories, I get amazing ideas, but I spend the time surfing more and more and eventually get tired.

The second type is when you just know you have to start doing the job and once you do, you don’t want to stop. It happens rarely, to me. Which is bad for an artist, but I promise to get better at this. After all, I have recently found things that inspire me in such a way. A song, a movie, a place and a person. Even a photo.

So you just have to seek for it. You have to go after inspiration with a club. When you have to do something, or draw something, especially when you have nothing else to do, just sit your ass down and start doing it! That’s all there can be said about inspiration and getting the work done!

 

Nothing to Write about Except Cheesy Teen Romance Stories

I hate cheesy stuff. All the romance and drama and cliches, it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. But, being the strange being we humans are, I like when “cheesy” is happening to me, not around me.

The thing is, as an ex-writer and a now-artist, I try to look beyond the everyday life routine and topics such as love and hate and happiness and so on. But the truth is, when you are young, (especially when you grow kinda slowly like me, because girls my age already wear heels and are married and have children and look like women and have had tons of boyfriends and sex and relationship experience) no matter how hard you try to avoid such topics, you can never do it. You may not discuss love with your girlfriends, but you thing about that one person all the time, and suddenly, you kinda relate to the characters in romantic movies you once hated, though you never admit it.

God, I hate when I am like this. When all I can think about is my crush. Sometimes, there is this good point when you are in love, which I call a muse. The period of liking someone and when you think about them you actually have butterflies and you want to vomit and your legs are shaking and you too are shaking and you just can’t control yourself! You might actually be a pretty cool and careless person, but when you see that one guy, you become a dumb teenaged kid. At that moment, you go so dumb, you don’t realize you are dumb, but then, every time you are alone and start thinking about you actions, you keep facepalming yourself so hard…. I know I do. And very often I hated myself for it, but eventually, I came to a conclusion that that’s just the way it is. And you have to face it. You can’t always keep your cool, and you shouldn’t. I even hated myself for writing stuff like this in my journal, which became more like a teenage diary, it’s so disgusting when you read it, but the thing is, it’s all true. The things you write while still under the effect of that one person are actually the true things about you, things beyond the wall you built around  yourself, the things beyond the coolness.

Well, I’m beating around the bush now, but I have nothing much to write. I’m in that situation now when the butterflies are gone and you have this kinda empty space which doesn’t feel up with simple flashbacks. I’m in the situation when a person has to find some other object of affection to forget the past one. These two weeks have been totally robotic and unproductive and totally boring. Except for today when I got drunk like a pig and of course my love bubble burst and I finally blurted out everything I wanted to say.

So, here is a warning. In 3 days, I’ll be left with no hope at all and there will be no use in thinking about writing that person a text or calling or seeing him, because he’s moving. So, I’ll eventually go back to my original state as a man- hater, a potential pothead, a “cool girl”, a totally careless person and a nice dudette. I really miss that old me, when I didn’t care about guys at all and hated flirting and romance and I hope that as well as my original state, my mind will also go back to being the way it was. No imagining romantic stories or stories about love and lust and so on.