Oh god, why?! Sex!

Excuse me for my choice of words, but there is no other word except for “obsessing” and “stalking” I could think of. 

What do we girls do when we have nothing to do? We stalk boys. I thought this activity was for teens only, but now that I think about it, more post-teen girls do it than teens. When I was a teen, I though liking boys was pathetic and stupid and way too girly, so I never ever had an obsession with a guy. Well, I never liked a guy when I was a teen! Except for musicians and actors. Now, when I have grown out of the age of low self-esteem and wannabee-ing all I can think about is men! 

After discovering the pleasures of making out and the likes of it, every boy I like is a potential sexual partner, and I don’t know if it’s good or not. I loved the me that wasn’t obsessing over boys, and I love the me that is confident in herself, but I don’t like being so obsessed with the other sex. 

Most of the guys I get obsessed with I the guys I don’t know, but have the potential to get to know them. I try to get as much information as I can about them and the funny thing is – I don’t want to date them or be their girlfriend, I just want to hang out with them and flirt. 

This whole thing is very confusing. Men and Women. It really is complicated, no matter how much we try to make it simple. I always denied the sexual part of myself, but that was before one guy totally opened my eyes to sexual desire and pleasure, and since then, I haven’t been able to close them! I thought it was cool and feministic that I didn’t give a fuck about losing my virginity. I never thought of losing it as a big deal, but I always thought that being 19 and not having any relationships with boys, of any kind, was kind of cool. I knew tons of girls who were over 20 and were still virgins and they were okay with that! But this past year, the more I started analyzing this girls, the more I realized that it was not totally okay. They can’t get a date, the only relationship they have with men is friendly, they live with their parents and spend most of their time talking to their friends about their friends’ boyfriends. They know something is wrong, but don’t want to admit that it’s the dating part. It’s the part of sex. They are not yet sexually awakened, and by sexually awakened, I don’t mean they aren’t virgins. I mean masturbating, and watching porn, and knowing that six isn’t just “in and out”. 

I wish I didn’t think about sex so much, but I can’t.