I have this image of myself as a tomboy who wears high collared blue coats with high pockets and high wasted jeans with the cuffs pulled up to show the black working boots with yellow laces. I have a short “Beatles Haircut” and the checkered blouses show from inside my coat. I walk the walk and talk the talk. I’m not a girl and I’m not a boy. I walk with my head high and a cigarette between my lips and behind me there is a group of identically dressed young men. Some of them were polished shoes instead of working boots. Some have longer coats than others, some wear black gloves, some wear glasses, but in total, we all want the same thing. We like fooling around, gambling, smoking, listening to music, driving, swearing, getting into fights and stealing. We are like this big gang where nobody cares about me being a girl. Nobody treats me differently, both in a bad or in a good way. I’m a part of them and it doesn’t matter what my gender is. I don’t really care too. Even our enemy gangs don’t care. nobody even raises the subject.
I’m finally where I want to be. In a place, with people, where nobody talks about makeup and gender equality, where everyone is equal, where love is what it is and there are no rules. There is no marriage and there are no great love stories. Here are only people who do what they do. Friends love each other and are ready to stand up for each other, to stand up for their views and feelings. Nobody judges you. The only problem is the money, gambling and enemy gangs. Despite it all being a problem, we can’t do without it. We love it and we love fighting.
I am kind of crazy, really, as this character. Her name is either Frankie or Andy. But Andy was different, she was before I cut my hair short. No it’s Frankie. The alter ego Frankie.
Frankie is everything I want to be. Though it’s not something a normal person to wish for. Frankie is not a hot long-haired babe, she’s not a beautiful short-haired mystery-girl, she’s not a smart successful nerd, she’s not an artsy colorful painter. Frankie is cool, short-tempered and relaxed at the same time. She doesn’t get worried easily, but she gets angry easily. She hates pretentious people, pedantic people, hypocrite people, people who spent most of their time pampering themselves to look good. Frankie hangs out with a bunch of guys who are like a gang. The Gang hangs out at pubs and basements. For them, hanging out is: gambling, betting, smoking, smoking weed, getting into small fights, stealing stuff from stores, swearing and randomly shouting out to people. They are not concerned about relationships and education. They go to University or work as normal people, they just don’t attract attention and just do what they like to do. They don’t have relationships, but those who do, make sure it doesn’t get in the way of The Gang. Frankie gets the same treatment as every guy in the Gang.
It’s awesome to be like that. I wish I was like that. I like Frankie more that Andy, though Andy has more chances of getting a good fuck than Frankie. Frankie is a tomboy. Andy is too, but she has middle-cut hair with bands, long lashes, a straight nose. She is softer and more quiet and shy. Andy IS strong, but not as strong as Frankie. Though I think Andy feels more responsible for her actions and is more careful than Frankie. The thing is, Andy is kinda like me, and Frankie is kinda like me. Frankie looks more like me that Andy. I created Andy as a more beautiful version of myself, while Frankie is simply a thinner version of myself. (not like I was fat, but!) Frankie is like me in not caring, swearing, acting like a boy. But unlike me, she is like that and she doesn’t care. She doesn’t feel like being like that is wrong. I guess she’s like that because she has found people who accept her, while nobody accepts me in real life as a Frankie. Andy is like me because of her soft and forgiving nature. Though she too does get angry like me, she doesn’t show it. While Frankie is all about showing how angry she is.
To say the truth, I’m confused by all this. Frankie, Andy. These two really do feel like me. I love Frankie more since she’s new, but Andy is still here. I created her through many many stories and after creating all this stories, I realized she was in all of them, playing different people, but in whole, she was always the same person. The imitation of the same person over and over again. She fit into every story, so I fit her in. But now I’m tired of her, and I wanted change, so here came Frankie, after years of waiting and working on myself. Frankie is a more precise image of me, I guess. People love Frankie more, while Andy was a huge thing in the matter of being loved by males. Frankie is loved too, but for being the way she used to be. Old Frankie was like Andy.
Now I get it. Frankie didn’t just come out of nowhere. Frankie is the continuation of Andy. I always ended Andy’s stories when Andy got cooler and stronger. Now we have Frankie – The Andy that grew up and said “fuck it” and started doing things her way.