Analyzing people and their behaviour has become one of my favorite things to do, and it has taught me a lot. It kind of sucks to analyze everything others do, everything that concerns you, because you start seeing all the tiny cracks and they slowly become bigger and bigger and they end up being the only thing you see when you look at a person.
Another thing I realized is that there comes a time, when you are about to step into the adult world, step into the 20s, when you start having nostalgia. When people around you start changing, and you think you are the only one who has stayed the same. I have analyzed this over and over again, and yes, I have gone through changes, but the changes everyone goes through during the end of the teenage years. When you are a teen, everything and everyone is annoying and irritating and you just want to run away from home and you are angry at the world. I didn’t have this teenage angst thing. My teenage angst started now, at 19 years old. The thing is, some people grow up when they step into 20s, and some people simply change from bad to worse, thinking that this is the very essence of growing up. Like my friends.
Ah… My friends. I have had been through so many feuds and wars and quarrels and conversations and negotiations with them. But nothing ever works out. Sometimes, I am in love with those 4 girls, but most of the time I just hate them. Especially lately, when they have been through this extremes make overs. One has become a total bimbo, the other has become a sentimental bitch ever since getting a boyfriend, one got married and is pregnant and I see her only once a month, and one came back from another country. I was never really huge friends with her, but she’s okay. She’s okay with being who she is, being laughed at for wearing hills at trips to the countryside and being totally dumb.
I could talk about them forever. How they make me feel like a terrible person, how they. instead of boosting my self-confidence, actually lower it. They think that growing up is wearing makeup, wearing hills, going out to clubs, getting a boyfriend, flirting. I hate flirting, I hate makeup, I hate skirts, and I hate clubs. I love ambient, trip-hop, rock and post-rock, I love playing cards while listening to music, smoking, drinking some vodka with friends. I love talking and making jokes when with friends, not gossiping and talking about guys and other people and their relationships. I’m sure that my friends are even surprised that a guy could like me. I have short hair, I swear sometimes, I make dirty jokes… It doesn’t fit their image. It doesn’t fit my friend’s boyfriend, who think that because her girlfriend is a happy-go-lucky nice girl, every girl should be like her.
Well, I shouldn’t go too far now. What makes me pissed is that all these years, ever since I have known them, I have been trying to find myself. Yeah, find myself, like they do in films. I have a hard time doing that. Having friends in 8th grade was a huge achievement for me. I was shy, my confidence was below zero, I hated myself, I was ashamed of my family, of what I wore, what I listened to. I was ashamed of the fact that I loved animes. The funny thing is, that people who laughed at me, now listen to the music I listened to back then, they watch japanese cartoons. In 8th grade, I had friends who invited me to their homes. I thought they were above. I had an extreme inferiority complex. Those girls were skinny, tall, beautiful (though now that I look at it, we were all the same), they knew were they stood, (at least I thought so, now I realize that they were posers, like every teenager was back then). I thought I was a total shit. No guy would ever like me. Well, it was hell. Till 12th grade. When I realized this couldn’t go on. My friends would hang out without me, they would gossip about me. So I said, fuck it! I’m gonna be myself. I’m gonna be what I like to be. I don’t know how it happened, but the anger worked. I would stand up to my mom when she wouldn’t let me out, I would tell my friends if I was angry at them and when they were being assholes, I would tell them they were being assholes.
But, of course, nobody liked the person I had become – me. Straightforward, free of other people’s thoughts, funny and carefree. People started disliking the fact that I have a voice, I can say no, I can be angry and not talk to them for days. They started disliking the fact that I have more freedom of thought then them, that I know what I’m good at and can talk about it freely. They don’t like it. I’m not shy at all now, I know where I stand in society, I know who is better or worse then me and my friends hate that. They want to be back to shy kid I was. Despite the fact that I’m the one who always makes plans, who always says “let’s go out”, who says jokes and makes them laugh, they still don’t respect me as much as they should. I’m like a clown. When I have feelings, they hate it. They think if they shoot me right into the heart, I won’t feel it. Just because I always hated showing too much emotions. It’s not necessary. Sometimes I might feel bad, but why should I make others feel bad about it? Why should I complain, especially if I know that nobody can help me and I can be my own saviour?
This sucks. People have totally lost it around me. Everybody wants to be something. Every girl around me wants a boy’s attention, they want photos on facebook, they want to meet a lot of people. Nobody wants the good old friendship anymore. That’s why nostalgia kicks in at this moment. Sometimes I want to cry because of extreme nostalgia. I miss the old times so bad. But come to think of it, what old times? The times when I was a nobody? When I had no voice? Hell no. I don’t miss the old times. I just wish things had gone differently so I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit now. None of the friends I have feel like actual friends. Not because “nobody understands me” or something, but because every friend I have has totally different views and needs from me. It’s hard you know, having friends. It’s hard to keep them and it’s hard to know who is a friend and who is not.