I hate cheesy stuff. All the romance and drama and cliches, it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. But, being the strange being we humans are, I like when “cheesy” is happening to me, not around me.
The thing is, as an ex-writer and a now-artist, I try to look beyond the everyday life routine and topics such as love and hate and happiness and so on. But the truth is, when you are young, (especially when you grow kinda slowly like me, because girls my age already wear heels and are married and have children and look like women and have had tons of boyfriends and sex and relationship experience) no matter how hard you try to avoid such topics, you can never do it. You may not discuss love with your girlfriends, but you thing about that one person all the time, and suddenly, you kinda relate to the characters in romantic movies you once hated, though you never admit it.
God, I hate when I am like this. When all I can think about is my crush. Sometimes, there is this good point when you are in love, which I call a muse. The period of liking someone and when you think about them you actually have butterflies and you want to vomit and your legs are shaking and you too are shaking and you just can’t control yourself! You might actually be a pretty cool and careless person, but when you see that one guy, you become a dumb teenaged kid. At that moment, you go so dumb, you don’t realize you are dumb, but then, every time you are alone and start thinking about you actions, you keep facepalming yourself so hard…. I know I do. And very often I hated myself for it, but eventually, I came to a conclusion that that’s just the way it is. And you have to face it. You can’t always keep your cool, and you shouldn’t. I even hated myself for writing stuff like this in my journal, which became more like a teenage diary, it’s so disgusting when you read it, but the thing is, it’s all true. The things you write while still under the effect of that one person are actually the true things about you, things beyond the wall you built around yourself, the things beyond the coolness.
Well, I’m beating around the bush now, but I have nothing much to write. I’m in that situation now when the butterflies are gone and you have this kinda empty space which doesn’t feel up with simple flashbacks. I’m in the situation when a person has to find some other object of affection to forget the past one. These two weeks have been totally robotic and unproductive and totally boring. Except for today when I got drunk like a pig and of course my love bubble burst and I finally blurted out everything I wanted to say.
So, here is a warning. In 3 days, I’ll be left with no hope at all and there will be no use in thinking about writing that person a text or calling or seeing him, because he’s moving. So, I’ll eventually go back to my original state as a man- hater, a potential pothead, a “cool girl”, a totally careless person and a nice dudette. I really miss that old me, when I didn’t care about guys at all and hated flirting and romance and I hope that as well as my original state, my mind will also go back to being the way it was. No imagining romantic stories or stories about love and lust and so on.